The School, The wall and Robin Williams

April 6, 2010

I just read the quote from ‘Good Will Hunting’ where they’re sitting on the bench, and Robin Williams’s character, ‘Sean’ tells ‘Will’ what he thought about after ‘Will’ told him what he ‘saw’ in the paiting Sean has in his office. I’m not sure what touches me, but that whole film, and especially that scene, really moves me. Robin Williams has this extraordinary way of being so honest and vulnerable. When I see a scene like that I’m thinking that I have some way still, to reach that point, to be able to take my feelings and get them out in the open on command like that. I need more technique.

Oh, by the way… I didn’t get a call back from the school.
That sounds a bit ‘devil may care’ when I sling it out like that and I guess that’s cause I don’t know how to feel about it. Of course I feel a bit down, cause I really wanna attend this school, on the other hand I had planned to take classes there if I didn’t get in, so now I just became a member which means I get a discount on workshops and get in free to lecturs and stuff. And of course I will still act, cause I love it, love to find places in myself I hadn’t seen before, and I now I need to dig deeper. Maybe I will just take a short pause from acting and do whatever I feel like, still take acting courses though.
Me and my buddies are looking for a ‘creative-room’ where we can make art in every form imaginable. This I am really exited about, cause it’s been so long since I’ve painted and been creative, so to have our own room where there’s space to do whatever we like is really turning me on!

I feel like I’m standing in front of a wall and I haven’t gotten the tools to climb it neither to blow it to pieces. This is really frustrating as you could imagine. And now I see that there might be some weight that are pulling me down so I can’t climb this wall, and I wanna let go, I just don’t know what to let go of! I need to get things done, instead of doing nothing. Today I actually managed to get a lot of things done. I had them writting down and didn’t stop with the list before it all was crossed out. And it work. I guess I’m a list man (The List Man..? nah…)

Me and Anna returned this friday from a week in Barcelona. We had a really great time, saw a lot in a really short time. And I got my birthday present from Anna, which was a trip out of the city and to hours on horseback with a guide. So great to ride again, I felt sometimes like a cowboy (I just watched Once Upon A Time In The West before we left to Barcelona) and sometimes like Aragorn from The Lord of The Rings. A great feeling.
We rented a scooter too, just for 24 hours, sp much fun to zigzag through the cars on that thing!
A great trip all in all, and with a wonderful girl by my side, could you ask for more?

That was all for now, I will leave you with a film I made, I think it’s from last summer. After that there’s the quote I talked about from ‘Good Will Hunting’.

My love to you and yours,
Lucas Alexander


Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me… fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven’t thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
Will: No.
Sean: You’re just a kid, you don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talkin’ about.
Will: Why thank you.
Sean: It’s all right. You’ve never been out of Boston.
Will: Nope.
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you’d probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life’s work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I’ll bet you can’t tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You’ve never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you’d probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can’t tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You’re a tough kid. And I’d ask you about war, you’d probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, “once more unto the breach dear friends.” But you’ve never been near one. You’ve never held your best friend’s head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I’d ask you about love, you’d probably quote me a sonnet. But you’ve never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn’t know what it’s like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn’t know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms “visiting hours” don’t apply to you. You don’t know about real loss, ’cause it only occurs when you’ve loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you… I don’t see an intelligent, confident man… I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you’re a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You’re an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally… I don’t give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can’t learn anything from you, I can’t read in some fuckin’ book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I’m fascinated. I’m in. But you don’t want to do that do you sport? You’re terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.

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